The Taste Of Freedom
Have you ever wanted something but never really been able to go after it?
Like there’s another layer on top of your true wants that holds you back from wanting.
Like a shield that’s hindering your true desires from emerging and expressing.
It’s like you are living someone else’s life, and you know that’s not your life, but you don’t know exactly how to get out of it.
You want to answer to your wants but you feel hindered.
You make resolutions but somehow there’s some sort of drag that’s holding you back from being you. You feel dragged internally but you can’t really point out what’s holding you back exactly.
That drag creates some form of insecurity and makes you feel that you are not enough and that there’s nothing worth paying attention to when it comes to your wants.
Such a feeling pushes you to go after something out of you, you seek validation to go for your wants, for your desires.
People’s opinions, books, sermons, and everything else become your true North. When they say go for it, you go for it. It’s like you have given them permission to empower you.
In yourself, you feel powerless. What you speak, what you do, is not valid in your eyes. Unless validated by someone else.
You are always letting other people treat you however, in the name of being “nice” and “kind” but in reality, you don’t know how to stand up for yourself because you are so kicked inside that it’s just something you can’t do.
You can’t even imagine yourself being yourself., so you just register as the nice guy or the nice girl.
You struggle to get out of that bubble but there’s no way out.
You like stuff but you don’t approve that you like them unless someone else says it.
You pick hobbies based on the top 10 list of hobbies trending, songs based on other people’s likes, and places and food to eat based on what’s common.
You go by the wave, by the tide.
You do things because everyone is doing them.
Whenever you write your “things that make me happy” list, you end up ignoring them because you’ve never given yourself permission to be happy.
You hide in worship on Sundays, scriptures and spiritual gymnastics. You barely talk about your wants. Or yourself.
You don’t so much feel yourself around people. Always insecure about what you say, how you say it, and to whom you say it.
Always looking to please another person, but never do you dare please yourself, and when you try to, you disqualify yourself from that pleasure in the name of a better one.
You barely live in the now. You are always looking for a better tomorrow. You barely breathe or enjoy the moment — you are always searching for a better day.
You live an aura of visions, and imaginations and ideas that never come to pass.
You live in your head and think so much about things. You think you are free but you know you are chained.
You’ve not permitted yourself to dream, to want that new car, to love that beautiful girl, to enjoy that new sport, or to go out for a movie outing with Prince Charlie.
I’ve been in this space for a very long time. Never felt myself. Never allowed myself to live. Even with a smile, I felt thrust into a box that I’ve struggled to break out.
I tried mastering crafts I didn’t even like, forced myself to like girls I didn’t even like. I put up with stuff I didn’t even liiikeee. I’ve disagreed with myself countless of times, not really because I wanted to, but the pull made me to.
I’ve scrolled on my WhatsApp numerous times secretly looking for an attention of some sort that was to come through a text or a voice note.
I have believed in everything else but the true person within. That one, I’ve never been able to. I’ve forbidden.
Because of someone’s opinion that I felt valuable, I dressed up things I didn’t even want to dress up.
I’ve tried to fit in in. I’ve wanted to give up on things that I truly love and desire.
I’ve cried most nights to rip myself out of this cage. I did almost everything because it was “acceptable” “profitable” “fashionable” but never was able to pay attention to what I truly wanted.
I was buried. I was buried so deep. And I felt something standing on top, holding me from coming up. It’s been so painful not feeling myself.
I knew I was more, but I couldn’t become that more. I knew I was great, but I couldn’t become my greatness. I knew I deserved a billionaire stage, have an amazing love life, and live a HAPPY life.
I knew all of that deep within, but that expression was always pressed down.
Something changed.
I became tired. I gave up on living by the ways of this false expression, this false identity. I wanted to see Kevin. To know Kevin. To want what I want and feel amazing about it and go for it, with no regrets, no nothing.
I wanted to feel unapologetic about living my life and live it to the fulleeeest. I wanted life, I wanted to love me. I wanted to not care whatever anybody else thinks.
I wanted to be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
I feel it now. The fountain of freedom springing from within. I feel it.
I see myself resurfacing, the bold, unapologetic, wise, powerful, wealthy, strong version of myself. I see myself rising.
This marks the beginning of the Acts of Kevin 1:1
Oh! how excited I am, this freedom tastes so nice. I am here to stay.
